Changing my thoughts & beliefs about Caregiving

In Kody Bateman’s book ‘Promptings–your Inner Guide to Making a Difference’ he tells us a story about his black lab Gus, who loves to retrieve balls but doesn’t like to give it up. The only way he can coax Gus to give up his dirty, slobbery ball is to throw several new ones. He said the grimy balls are like our limiting beliefs that we hang on to for years. According to the teachings of Abraham, a belief is only a thought we keep thinking–or saying over and over again. It could be something that our parents told us, or our friends at school, or something we read it in the newspaper. For example, when I was 10 years old I heard my Mom commenting to her friend that I was ‘stocky and well built’. Compared to my very skinny sisters, I guess I was. But, I took on this belief and started counting calories as a teenager.

So how does Gus and his ball relate to my life as a carer of my husband, Dave–diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago with Frontotemporal dementia? For the first 2 years I believed that I was showing weakness if I asked for help, or cried over slowly losing the husband I married 32 years ago. I kept myself so busy that I wouldn’t have to feel the deep pain. But last year I hit the wall. I was standing in the kitchen making dinner and resenting that I had to cook every night while Dave sat in the den–watching TV and working on his jigsaw puzzle. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage with the door tightly shut. I was juggling work, volunteering, taking care of Dave, the animals and our house. On top of this, we were starting over financially because our retirement savings had collapsed in high risk ventures. I felt very lonely because I couldn’t share my worries with anyone, including Dave.

There was a moment when I was chopping vegetables and I wanted to throw the knife down and walk away. I wanted someone else to do my job because I was tired of it. I didn’t want it any more. I stood there with my head down and taking a few breaths. In an instant I had clarity or an ‘awakening’.  I knew I wanted to stay with Dave and therefore I had a choice… I could continue hanging on to my ‘poor me, life isn’t fair’ belief (story) or I could release it. If I wanted to change my life, I needed to let go of my grimy attitude–which wasn’t serving me any more–and do something different. I didn’t know ‘what’ or ‘how’ but I had faith and belief that life was going to get better. Martin Luther King said “faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase”. I took my first step by writing in a journal 5 things I am grateful for. I started getting up earlier and spending quiet time with our kitty cat, reading and meditating to clear some of my brain chatter. Every day I ran, walked or biked for my daily dose of endorphins…the ‘feel-good’ chemicals released in the brain.  Slowly but surely, the door to my cage starting opening up.  I was accepting help from neighbours without feeling like I have to give something in return. I went out for lunch with girlfriends and gave myself permission to cry without feeling weak because sometimes the load feels too heavy. I am happy and love my life, regardless of my circumstances. It took me 2 years but I finally figured out that I can’t control anything on the outside–including Dave’s dementia and the behaviours that go along with it.  The only thing I can control are my thoughts and therefore my beliefs.