Changing Perspective is Key to Easier Living with Dementia

Life over the past 3 ½ years has been a time of massive personal growth. I never imagined that my husband, Dave, would be diagnosed with a form of dementia (Frontotemporal) at the young age of 57. I also never imagined that my life would be richer because of this diagnosis.

There is no denying there are difficult times, or that there are moments when I don’t think I can handle one more change, one more responsibility. But I am finding it easier to move through those periods simply by changing my perspective. When I get frustrated because I have to remind Dave 5 times to dig out a small dead bush, or when he says he has cleaned the pond filter only to find out it is clogged with algae, I stop for a few seconds and ask…’would I want to change my life for Dave’s? Would I want to be the one waking up with headaches? The one not recognizing people I have known all my life, or the one walking 2 hours to the nearest bus stop because my driver’s license has been taken away? There is no contest. I wouldn’t want to be living with his challenges for a second. I love being able to work, chat with friends without struggling to find the words, and being free to drive away from home.

A week ago we were driving to Vancouver, BC for the 10 km. Sun Run when Dave looked at me and said “I am really enjoying this trip. Thank you for taking me”. His eyes and face sparkled, and he sounded like an excited child on an adventure. It made me stop and think about what life looks like from his perspective. He reminds me of the simpler things in life—to be grateful for what we have in this moment, instead of wishing it was different or thinking…what if he didn’t have dementia.

Last year I reached a summit on this journey with dementia when I wanted this phase of my life to be over. I wanted to get back to living a ‘normal’ life for someone in their 50s. But then I stepped back and started thinking about something other than my hardships. I started seeing how Dave is managing; how he is accepting, rather than resisting, his life; how he is living every day to the best of his abilities. I became aware of how other people are  living with their challenges. When I opened my eyes and heart, it didn’t take long to find other people dealing with situations far worse than mine. I no longer live and wish for the future because this is wishing my life away. I would miss learning lessons such as surrendering or ‘letting go’ of things I can’t control and I wouldn’t be experiencing the true meaning of unconditional love.

While flying home from Detroit today, I sat beside an 80-something gentleman who said “attitude is everything”. He went on to tell me about a David and Goliath story. An Israeli looked at the Goliath and said “he is so big, how can we ever kill him?” David looked at the giant and said “he is so big, how can we miss?”

Perspective, positive attitude or whatever you call it, can turn any situation around in seconds. For me, it has been ‘key’ in finding  peace and ease  in the world of dementia.

©2010 Holly Eburne