It is 4:45 a.m., my absolute favorite time of the day. I am sitting with my tea, a book and a little ‘ginger boy’ named Clive snuggling (and purring) on my chest. Two months ago this skinny 5-month old kitten showed up on our daughter, Amy’s doorstep looking for affection.  She said he was more interested in staying in her arms than eating food. As it has turned out, we adopted him from Amy. We thought Clive needed a buddy so we rescued another little guy, Henry from a shelter. He is 16-weeks old (or thereabouts) and jet-black with the most adorable round face and silkiest fur. He is sound asleep on my lap with his legs wrapped around one of my thighs.

As I’m enjoying the feeling of these warm bodies and the silence of the morning, I can feel myself becoming emotional. Tears are quietly falling. I don’t want to scare or wake up these precious little creatures so I’m doing my best not to sob. But why the tears? What’s being triggered inside? Then I knew the answer…

Five years ago my husband Dave was diagnosed with Frontotemporal dementia (FTD). He was 57 and I was 53. FTD is a condition that begins in the front of the brain (emotional control) and side ( language centers).  Over the years Dave is slowly withdrawing into his own world—a world I don’t fully understand. Unfortunately his sensory system has gone awry and he is hypersensitive to touch and hearing. There’s no hand-holding or passionate kisses. No more putting my cold feet on his warm legs at night. And no more of those wonderful, ‘it’s okay I’ll take care of you‘ hugs.

I knew I missed body-to-body contact but I didn’t realize how much until this morning. For the past 7 weeks I have been carrying, rocking, &  snuggling these 2 little stray kittens into my neck. It feels so good to feel their warm fur against my skin. It seems they are filling my void for physical touch. Whenever I see a couple holding hands, kissing, or hugging tightly (not just a peck on the cheek and pat on the back) it reminds me of what I have lost with Dave .

There’s nothing I can do to change my reality. Dave’s dementia is what it is. But what I can do is savor every moment with these precious little creatures. I will be forever grateful for the day they came into my life. It’s no accident. I needed some physical lovin’ and the universe delivered big time. Thank you for the best stray kittens who give the BEST heart-and-neck hugs in the world!

Meet our precious Clive & Henry: (do you think they like a little lovin’ too?)

This past week I had one of life’s many lessons in dealing with my husband Dave. He has Frontotemporal dementia and as it progresses, he is less motivated to do any activities outside of his jigsaw puzzles or exercise. I’m glad that he is still capable of doing these activities but the reality is that I need help to maintain a house, garden, pets, and car while I work full-time.

As Dave’s physical and mental abilities change, so does his honey-do list. There are a few jobs that I am holding firm and don’t want to put on my list. One of them is plowing our steep driveway with the ATV & snowblade.

Last Sunday we had our first snowfall and I asked Dave to clear the snow. He said he couldn’t do because it was still snowing. I could count the snowflakes and there was less than 1 mm of additional snow. He would do it in the morning so I let it go. Monday came and went. So did Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday…filled with excuses. By Friday I was losing my patience. I begged him to do it before I left for a 24-hour visit with my sister. I didn’t want him operating machinery while I was away. Once again he decided NOT to do it and went for a nap instead. I could feel the anger building and as silly as it sounds, I wondered if I could physically force him onto the ATV. After he shut the bedroom door, I realized that I was more upset because I couldn’t control this situation than I was about the snow and ice on our driveway. It’s funny how life lessons keep slamming me in my face. After relaxing my shoulders, taking several breaths, and gaining a different perspective, I remembered the Serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference”.  Boy…it only took me 5 days to remember this one!

What did I learn this week?

#1 I can’t control circumstances and people outside of me; only my response to it. It seems that I need to be reminded of this often. How easily I forget.

#2 Recognize when I am struggling against something/situation (feel the tension in my head and neck) and ask myself…”how can it get any better?” In this case, I will hire a teenager in the neighborhood to help me out.

#3 Step back and observe my reaction; breathe, and ask myself “what is the worst case scenario, if our driveway doesn’t get plowed?” Puts my drama in perspective.

#4 Dave isn’t acting this way to push my buttons. I’m allowing them to be pushed. As Steve Chandler says “focus on strengthening the inside of focusing so much on what is missing from the outside”.

#5 Life is full of challenges and every experience (good or bad) teaches me something. Not obvious at first but after the tension (and drama) settles down, it becomes clearer.

But being diagnosed with dementia is different. When we left the doctor’s office 5 years ago after my husband, Dave, was diagnosed with Frontotemporal dementia, we were given NO hope. No hope for treatment, certainly no hope for a cure, and no ‘game plan’ on living a quality of life with this disease. We are in the new generation of baby boomers living with dementia.

I recently watched a Larry King Special on Alzheimer’s and it definitely wasn’t an uplifting program. But then what did I expect from a program on CNN where pain and suffering make headlines? Anyways, I learned a few things such as how little money goes into research for this brain condition. Larry said that 5 Billion dollars is spent on cancer research and 6 Billion dollars on AIDS compared to 500 Million on Alzheimer’s. There are 5.4 million people with Alzheimer’s in the United States. Not sure if that is all people with dementia or the most common form–alzheimer’s. And there are over 15 million unpaid primary caretakers.

The epidemic of the century. If people weren’t afraid or paranoid about getting Alzheimer’s before this program they might be now. The picture isn’t pretty. I realize that I am not dealing with the end-stage of dementia but my experience has been a personally growing and eye-opening one. I wouldn’t trade the lessons and insights that I am gaining for my life before Dave was diagnosed. Sure I am experiencing losses every day–but my gains are greater. They are greater because I am stepping back and looking at the person I”m becoming. The one with more patience when I’m in a traffic jam, or with the 20 tele-prompts before I speak with a human being on the phone, or with flights that are cancelled due to bad weather. When I’m riding my bike I’m not in a hurry like I used to be. I love to stop and feed alfalfa to the horses–savoring their ‘horsey’ smell and the feel of their soft noses as I kiss them.

I am learning (from Dave & practice) to live more in the present moment instead of worrying about how fast Dave is going to progress, or how I will handle it. I am more aware of little things like the beautiful sound of our cat purring, or the 2 blooming roses that escaped being eaten by deer. I have learned how to quiet the chatter in my mind by meditating for a few minutes in the morning, or by being aware of my breath throughout the day. Our neighbours, friends and family help me with the chores around the house because they feel good and don’t expect anything in return. For the first time in my life I can feel joy and peace without it being a sunny day or having loads of money in the bank. What a gift to feel this peaceful; a gift that didn’t happen overnight and not without lots of tears and inner work.

From the outside, living with ‘D’, seems horrific but there is more to this picture than is portrayed in the media. I realize that I’m only in my 50s and I have decades of building on the life experiences I am gaining from living with someone who has dementia–someone who is losing more than me–yet is surrendering to his reality.

I went for a run along our country road and it was full of surprises. There is an abundance of wildlife in our area but it seemed more acute today. The list of birds is like opening the Audobon bird book. I saw a pair of western tanagers chasing each other, a group of cedar waxwings eating dogwood berries, juncos on the side of the road, yellow warblers in the bushes, and townsend solitaire with her young. There were brewer’s and red-wing blackbirds, male northern oriole feeding 2 of his youngsters (I’ve never seen a male bird feed their young), winter wrens singing their long song. Did you know that winter wrens are the smallest birds with the longest song. Eagles flying overhead teaching their young one how to fly and more bird sounds in the forest that I couldn’t identify.

I passed by a field of llamas munching on grass as their lower jaw slide sideways and then circle around. Snakes hiding in the tall grasses bordering the creek that flows gently along the side of the road. Even the horses were having a lazy day as they basked in the fields with the sun peeking in and out on this crisp summer day. A crisp 13 degrees Celsius–far below our typical 30 degrees.

It was a glorious run–no human-made sounds.

If I had decided to ride my bike instead of run I would have missed all of these sights and sounds. The pace would have been too fast and the wind rushing by my helmet would have blocked out many of these natural sounds.

Bike riding versus running/walking is a metaphor for my life: frenetic versus calm and peaceful.

Three years when I woke up to the reality of my husband’s dementia and stopped fighting it, I began to slow down enough to see the abundance that was all around me–life lessons in patience and surrendering to what is, healthy children, a beautiful home. Before then I was too busy to notice anything because I was ‘riding’ away from the pain of the losses and changes in my life.

Over the past few years it has been a conscious effort to slow down and really smell the roses. It is healthy and necessary for me to face my dark side (sadness and anger) as much as my light side. It’s all part of who I am and it’s part of loving all of me.

This past month has been crazy busy and I reached my upper emotional and mental limit 3 times. When I lose my balance I have physical reminders–a chest cold, eye infection or fatigue. Dr. Bruce Lipton, a biochemist, has proven that over 85% of our physical illnesses have an emotional root cause.  I guess it won’t surprise you that I am recovering from a cold and a cough.

So reading my note from July 21st is a wonderful reminder of how life feels when I take the time to slow down, bend over and really smell the roses. Time to get back to my morning meditations, saying no to projects that completely fill my schedule, and time to bring out the knitting needles and cross stitching to spend more time with my feet up enjoying the company of my husband.

Note: If you have an experience of reaching your upper limits and what you did to regain your balance I would love to hear from you.

In the faint light of the attic, an old man, tall and stooped, bent his great frame and made his way to a stack of boxes that sat near one of the little half-windows. Brushing aside a wisp of cobwebs, he tilted the top box toward the light and began to carefully lift out one old photograph album after another. Eyes once bright but now dim searched longingly for the source that had drawn him here.

It began with the fond recollection of the love his life, long gone, and somewhere in these albums was a photo of her he hoped to rediscover. Silent as a mouse, he patiently opened the long-buried treasures and soon was lost in a sea of memories. Although his world had not stopped spinning when his wife left it, the past was more alive in his heart than his present loneliness.

Setting aside one of the dusty photo albums, he pulled from the box what appeared to be a journal from his grown son’s childhood. He could not recall ever having seen it before, or that his son had ever kept a journal. Why did Elizabeth always save the children’s old junk? he wondered, shaking his white head.

Opening the yellowing pages he glanced over a short entry, and his lips curved in an unconscious smile. Even his eyes brightened as he read the words that spoke clear and sweet to his soul. It was the voice of the little boy who had grown up far too fast in this very house, and whose voice had grown fainter and fainter over the years. In the utter silence of the attic, the words of a guileless six-year-old worked their magic and carried the old man back to a time almost totally forgotten.

Reminded that he had kept a journal of his business activities over the years…Opening a glass cabinet door, he reached in and pulled out an old business journal. Turning he sat down at his desk and placed the two journals beside each other. His was leather-bound and engraved neatly with his name in gold, while his son’s was tattered and the name “Jimmy” had been nearly scuffed from its surface.

As he opened the journal, the old man’s eyes fell upon an inscription that stood out because it was so brief in comparison to other days. In his own neat handwriting were these words:

Wasted the whole day fishing with Jimmy. Didn’t catch a thing.

With a deep sigh and a shaking hand, he took Jimmy’s journal and found the boy’s entry for the same day, June 4. Large scrawling letters pressed deeply in the paper read:

Went fishing with my dad. Best day of my life.

These past few years have been a time of massive personal growth and uncovering the ‘real’ Holly. It isn’t an easy process but definitely worth the sweat and tears that come along with it. Living with a husband with dementia has taught me about unconditional love, patience, surrendering to what is, and living in the present moment. In addition, when our investments collapsed I had to search for a deep knowing or trust that I would feel happy again–despite my external circumstances.

This morning I was listening to a meditation about self-love in one of my energy/intuitive coaching courses. It seems that no matter how many times I practice or become aware of the need to love myself, I always learn a little bit more about how to do it. I’m finally understanding that if I’m to truly love someone without conditions, then I have live it myself. When I judge another person I am really finding something inside of me that I don’t like. For 57 years I have been looking for love outside of me when all this time, it has been inside.

Loving myself is far more difficult than I imagined. I didn’t realize how often I look in the mirror and pinch the extra soft tissue around my belly or upper hips. Or notice the abundance of wrinkles multiplying daily. How about the endless times that I beat myself up for the mistakes I made in investing our hard-earned money. How many more times do I have suffer? When will I truly surrender or accept what is and learn from it? When will I understand that I always do my best and that mistakes are fertile ground for learning. And in regards to my body image…how about learning to let go of my judgments and loving every bit of ME. Me–because I’m unique—just like YOU.

To help you on your path to loving yourself unconditionally, here is a shortened version of what I learned this morning. It helps if you are in a quiet area with your eyes closed or slightly opened and relaxed.

First of all think about someone you LOVE with all of your heart and soul. Take a second and find out where you feel this emotion in your body. For example, when I remember the moment our son or daughter was born, I feel a huge ball of love in my chest area. It feels so good to think about my family, pets, patients in my physiotherapy practice,  friends, and our home in the country.

Now I want you to focus on your heart or wherever you feel your love and turn up the volume on it. Turn it up as high as you want and feel it spread throughout your body. Then put your hand on your chest and say out loud…”I LOVE me” 3 times. Notice how you feel and whether it gets easier on the 3rd time. Turn up the volume knob again (without effort) and really feel the love you have for yourself. Then take a couple of ‘easy’ breaths and slowly open your eyes. Look around and notice how you feel and whether the room looks any brighter or sharper.

Like any new lesson, it takes ‘conscious’ practice before it becomes easier. To help you out over the next 21 days (that is how long it takes for a habit to form), I want you to look in the mirror every morning, and while looking into your eyes say…”I Love you, thank you for being so wonderful and for being you”.

Don’t forget…to give love you need to love yourself first.

When someone is upset or having an angry moment, my sister says, “there’s a pony in there somewhere” (ie. A golden lesson). This past week I phoned her because I needed to ‘vent’ about a persistent bear hanging around our bird feeders. She used her pony line with me and it broke the tension. We laughed; we believe that everything happens for a reason but we couldn’t find the pony in my bear dilemma. That is…until I finally stopped paddling upstream and stopped resisting Mother Nature. It will make more sense after you read my story…

Once upon a time there was a black fluffy bear roaming Campbell Creek Valley. One day in October he came upon a stash of GOLD—a winter’s supply of fruits and nuts. There are plenty of ripened chokecherries and a dozen bird feeders filled with sunflower seeds. When the homeowners wake up the next morning they were upset to find that several of their feeders are damaged–all of them are empty. They knew immediately who the visitor is. So they salvage a few of the feeders because they love to watch and listen to the birds. They built a pond and planted various berry bushes that attract large number of birds.

Mrs. E—the mother of the household—is determined not to let this young bear ruin her bird sanctuary. She decides to outsmart him by hanging one of the feeders in a tree about 20 feet off the ground.

Later that night Mrs. E is outside with her dogs when she hears some clanging and commotion in the tree. She looks up to find the young bear munching his snack from the feeder. Mrs. E is NOT happy. She immediately takes the dogs inside and brings out a ‘bear banger’–fireworks that are supposed to scare away bears. But her plan backfires. She shoots the banger but it only sends the trembling bear higher in the tree.

Since Mrs. E knows that it is almost time for the bear to hibernate, she works with his nightly schedule and brings all of the feeders in after dusk.

Winter came and went. It is the beginning of May and once again Mrs. E notices that her feeders are missing from their posts. Parts of them are scattered on the grass and under the trees. She instantly knows that her furry friend is back. Not only has he returned but also he is very hungry and hangs around for most of the day. This puts Mr. & Mrs. E and their dogs on a constant alert.

For 4 weeks the struggle continues…always looking out the windows, bringing the feeders in and out of the house, and grabbing them quickly as the bear hisses from 15 feet above.

One afternoon Mr. E’s best friend–a biologist, is visiting and tells them they need to stop feeding the birds if they want to get rid of the bear. Mrs. E is feeling sad because she loves the sounds and sights of birds. It’s taken her 19 years to build up this population and in one week she is going to lose it all—just because of ONE stubborn bear.

The next couple of days are sad and very quiet. Every time Mrs. E spots a bird looking for one of the feeders she gets upset and a little madder at the bear. Mad because she can’t control this wild creature–or this situation.

But it gets worse. Mr. and Mrs. E return home after a day at the lake to find that Mr. Bear has destroyed the 2 remaining hummingbird feeders. Mrs. E has reached her tipping point. She doesn’t have any more ‘fight’ left in her. She sobs and sobs like she hasn’t done in years—if ever. She knows her tears are for something far bigger than losing her birds but she doesn’t stop to think about it. She feels the pain and cries until there are no tears left.

The next morning when the bear arrives, Mr. and Mrs. E and their dogs don’t scare it away. They watch from their den window as he finishes eating a few scattered seeds on the ground. Within 5 minutes he is on his way. No fuss, no muss—just ease. And since that day, he hasn’t returned to the feeders.

Here are 5 life lessons that I learned from my bear experience:

#1 Don’t assume anything. I assumed that bears don’t climb trees and wouldn’t be able to access the feeder in the tree. (picture of a bear in a tree) I also assumed that I would lose all of my bird population if I didn’t feed them for a few days. Wrong on both accounts. I have as many species, although the numbers are down. This isn’t all bad because it means less bird food (less expensive to buy) and fewer birds that die from flying into our windows

#2 Feeling into sadness or anger. I think this is the 2^nd time in my adult life that I have allowed to let the tears flow without stopping or suppressing them. I am learning to be okay with the darker emotions. I have a tendency to run away from them because they don’t feel very good and besides…strong girls don’t cry. But ‘suppressed emotions’ take a toll on the body—mentally, emotionally & physically. Science has proven that over 85% of our physical pain and illness is due to emotions stuck within our body.

#3 Turning the ‘effort’ knob down. When I realized that my effort or fight was wearing me down, it was time to turn down my effort knob. As Byron Katie says…”fighting reality is like teaching a cat to bark”. Since the day I relaxed and decided to work with the bear (after all we are living in his territory), he hasn’t returned. Go figure!

#4 Looking under emotions for a deeper meaning I knew that my tears over losing the birds were the tip of the iceberg. What is below them is the frustration and powerlessness in trying to control things in my external world. I should tape the Serenity Prayer to my desk to remind me…”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference”. This bear experience is like trying to control the progression of my husband’s dementia. It is not to be controlled—only my response towards it.

#5 There’s always a pony in a painful experience—it takes time to find it. I found many ponies (or golden lessons) in dealing with a black fluffy bear. I’m discovering that every painful situation or experience in my life is another opportunity for learning and growth. It’s not fun going through them–but well worth it.

Last month I was speaking with a fellow colleague and telling her about my list and she simply said…”it  doesn’t have to be hard”. I thought for a moment and replied…”you’re right, it doesn’t have to be”. The lightbulb turned on. It’s my choice to make it hard or not. So before my next course in Colorado, I tested this theory out. Every time I felt tension in my neck or head, I simply turned down the imaginary Effort knob. I was able to get ready with very little stress and the actual time it took to organize everything was far less than I thought.

Gardening and weeding is another area of overwhelm for me. When I turned my knob down, I decide to weed for 10 minutes every morning when I take the dogs out for their pee. You should see the progress I’m making. Who says I have to spend hours doing it?

I am making this blog short and sweet because it’s less effort. I just want to remind you that when you feel like your are struggling–or life seems overwhelming–turn down your Effort knob.

Then ask yourself 2 questions:

1. is it really hard?

2. if the answer is Yes–then ask how can I make this situation easier? You will be surprised at how much simpler and easier life can be. As a bonus, you will feel more rested and happy because you won’t be dipping into your physical, emotional and mental energy reserves. Have fun!

Every time I experience pain or loss in my life I remember this song. And despite how deep a pain penetrates I wouldn’t have missed the dance. This past week there was a sad situation involving a wounded deer. She was a young doe and was trying to eat from our bird feeders. I shooed her away but she didn’t move very quickly. It wasn’t long before I saw that her lower jaw was dislocated and hanging loose. Then when she turned around to look at me, I saw a large open gash on her left forequarter and she was limping. I started crying—in fact it was an ugly cry as my sister would call it—because I was helpless to help her. To make the situation worse there was a coyote circling around waiting to capture her. I couldn’t watch any longer. This scene along with red-tail hawks snatching white-crowned sparrows out of the sagebrushes, or pygmy owls knocking hairy woodpeckers to the ground and then flying away with them are difficult for me to see. But am I willing to give up the peacefulness and calm that goes along with country living? Not a chance.

The dance of owning pets is another one that I wouldn’t miss. When I was young my parents gave away our pets when they reached a year old. Not sure why although it might have something to do with moving houses every couple of years. One of our pets, my beloved Mitzi, a standard poodle, lived with us for 7 years. Then my parents gave her away to a good family. On that day I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn’t own a pet because I didn’t want to experience the pain of losing them. But that promise didn’t last long. One day my husband and 2 young children came home with a 7-week golden retriever named Jake. He received Jake as payment for one of his duck carvings. Jake was the cutest puppy I had ever seen—red fur and a little red colour. I was hooked instantly. Since that day we have never lived without a dog—in fact we have 2 dogs (I’m resisting buying a 3^rd one), a ginger cat with white boots, Marty and about 40 goldfish in our outdoor pond.

This morning I was hiking with the dogs and thinking about being a care partner with Dave. I wonder if I would have said ‘I do’ in 1978 if I had known “the way it all would end, the way it all would go”. Would I have married Dave if I knew he would develop dementia in his 50s? Well I will never know how I would have felt in 1978 but in 2011 I wouldn’t trade my life–or Dave–for anyone else’s. Despite the challenges and pain of slowly losing my husband I wouldn’t miss the dance—lessons on living and loving the present moment, loving without conditions including myself, surrendering to what is, and compassion. I never imagined that life could feel this peaceful or calm regardless of what is happening in my outer world.

Just like the song says…”Yes my life is better left to chance. I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance”.

Living in the wild has its ups, downs, good and bad. I love living in the country but it isn’t always rosy. Just before letting our kitty kat in the front door, I went searching for a bird feeder that Baby Bear had absconded with. Yesterday afternoon he made his first visit of the year. As he was sitting under a large pine tree— happily munching on the bird seeds—our springer spaniels were barking and ‘royally’ upset that some furry beast was playing in their backyard.

I know we are supposed to take down our bird feeders when bears come out of hibernation but I can’t bring myself to doing it. Dave and I love watching the 200-plus birds eat, play and sing on our property and I don’t want to lose our entertainment. So I’ve decided to keep a vigilant watch during the day (just scooted him away about 5 minutes ago) and bring the feeders in at night.

Unfortunately last night I left one of them outside and baby bear found it. I didn’t think he would find this small feeder hidden by bushes and a boulder but my ‘assumption’ was wrong. Guess I forgot about their acute sense of smell.

Okay so what lesson did I learn from my baby bear story? I was reminded…don’t assume anything. This is the 2nd Agreement in a book written by Don Miguel Ruiz–The Four Agreements. Ruiz says we don’t know another person’s story or what is truly going on in their life. For example, have you ever been upset when someone doesn’t answer your email for weeks–sometimes never? Maybe they are on away, or in the middle of a personal crisis and answering emails aren’t important. Or how about if someone doesn’t say hi or smile at you in the swimming pool? Maybe they aren’t wearing their contact lens and can’t see past their nose (slight exaggeration of course; can you tell that it has happened to me?)

Another example of why not to make assumptions happened last night. I was chatting on the phone with a fellow care-partner whose husband has the same diagnosis as my husband’s—frontotemporal dementia. We were laughing and enjoying each other’s stories and towards the end of our conversation she said something that surprised me. After reading my blogs and articles she assumed that I have my life completely together. I hadn’t really thought about it  but I did admit that I’m feeling more peaceful and happier than before Dave’s diagnosis. She didn’t realize that I go through the same emotions as her. It was a relief to know that I feel frustrated when I have to deal with ‘car details’ or household breakdowns–Dave used to take care of those things; or that I get mad over small things like Dave not answering the phone fast enough; or feel sad because I miss holding hands with my husband (his skin is super-sensitive). My friend realized that what she is going through is normal for anyone going through a major loss or change in their life. I am pretty sure she was glad that her assumptions were wrong. (Of course I shouldn’t assume that) Look how easy it is to do.

So the next time you are tempted to assume something–even if you are 100% sure–check it out before using your precious energy. It might surprise you when you do.