Surrender to the Moment–Awakening to the Riches of Dementia

There are a few moments in my life I will never forget. I will always remember the exact moment, 3 years ago, when the neurologist was giving us the news about my husband, Dave. He is 59 and has Frontotemporal dementia. At first I couldn’t, and wouldn’t believe the doctor. When he was telling us there is no cure, no experimental drugs to slow this disease down, I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. I wanted him to stop talking.

For the next couple of years, life was a blur. Looking back, I can see how I was surviving day to day. I was working hard, keeping myself busy to cover the pain and grief of my new reality. Eventually all of my busyness caught up with me.

I remember standing at the kitchen island making dinner, and resenting having to cook every night. I didn’t want to be responsible for the running of this household while trying to juggle 2 businesses. I wanted someone to hand me a book on 10 easy ways to live with dementia. Yet, I knew in my head and gut, there wasn’t one. In fact, I knew that if I wanted life to be different, I was the one who needed to find the answers. And I was realizing the answers were inside of me.

There is an expression…’when the student is ready, the teacher appears’; teachers such as life coaches, energy-releasing courses and spiritual books. As I am learning to let go of my sad, overwhelming emotions, I feel lighter. It is almost like someone is blowing away the dark clouds above my head, allowing the sun to shine through. I had no idea how much they were blocking the happier, peaceful ones deep inside.

It has taken me 2 1/2 years to understand that my husband’s dementia is out of my control. Amazingly, Dave has understood this from the moment the doctor gave him the news. He isn’t angry and never wonders, ‘why me’. As Dave says…”it is what it is; why get upset.” When he gets up in the morning, he gives me a beautiful smile–almost child-like–ready to start another day, the best way he knows how. He doesn’t bother using his energy to worry about tomorrow, or what people might say when he doesn’t recognize them. He isn’t embarrassed when he can’t find words while speaking, or when he falls down on a hike. As Dave’s condition progresses, I am noticing more physical changes. Recently, he is developing tremors in his hands, making it difficult for him to carve his birds–his passion for over 30 years. Instead of spending time in his workshop, he works on his jigsaw puzzles of wildlife scenes, including the birds he no longer carves.

Dave has enough insight to realize he will continue losing his mental and physical abilities. But, he doesn’t let those thoughts interfere with what he can do today. Dave is teaching me to live in the moment–the ‘perfect’ moment, where there is no worry or brain chatter. I see the brightness on the pine needles as the sun rises over the hills in the east; and the slivers  of sunshine cutting through the blades of grass in the morning. There are so many things I took for granted, but not any more. I am beginning to understand why Dave watches the sky for hours, without the need to be doing something.

I am not fooling myself about the road ahead; I am no longer afraid. I believe life is unfolding perfectly. As long as I continue  to ‘let go’ and surrender to what life is giving me (instead of focusing on the ‘only ifs’ or ‘what might be’), I won’t be missing what I have right now–a  loving husband, who is doing the best he can. I have 2 beautiful, young adult children, growing through their own journey. My list goes on for pages and is a good reminder when I feel like life isn’t fair. It is more than fair. I just have to keep my heart and eyes open to awaken to these riches.