Earlier this week I went through a painful experience involving our 8-month old kitten, Henry. He is the sweetest, most innocent cat eg. he doesn’t draw a claw when you rub his tummy although he doesn’t really like it. So when he ran away on Wednesday afternoon, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t think he had the survival skills to escape the coyotes, or to survive our freezing nights; he has been pampered with fluffy beds, premium cat food, and even a litter box with the highest-grade cat litter.

We adopted Henry from the SPCA in the winter, and shortly before we had rescued a ginger boy, Clive, who arrived at my daughter’s house desperate for food and love. These little creatures are a big part of my life. You might say that I’m over-the-top cat lover. I can’t believe how much comfort and company they give me and are definitely filling the void as my husband’s dementia progresses.

Despite a very busy life—personally and professionally, these cats help me to stay balanced or grounded. But what a wakeup call this week. I noticed that when one area of my life is out of whack, it has a huge impact on the other areas: health (wasn’t eating or sleeping well); relationships (wasn’t my usual chatty self with my family and didn’t have as much patience with Dave); work (lacked the spark while coaching my clients); and finances (wasn’t feeling motivated to schedule Discovery sessions for my new Money Breakthrough Mastery Program). The only thing I seemed to be good at was either crying or put cold compresses over my eyes before I saw my next client. I was definitely off-balance.

I understand that the universe gives you these experiences for a reason.  As Byron Katie says, “Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do”

By the 2^nd night, I was able to sleep because I was doing my best to live in the present moment. There was no evidence that a predator snatched Henry or that he wasn’t tough enough to live for a few days in the wild. I was allowing myself to work through the pain and restore balance to my life. I was beginning to feel lighter.

And then the miracle happened. At 4:10 am while making coffee and cuddling with Clive, I hear a sound at the back door. I see a black blob in the corner of the door window and think that I’m seeing a ghost. When I opened the door and Henry came strolling through with his bright pink bell collar (jokingly had called it the coyote dinner bell), it was one of the best moments of my life—aside from when our kids were born.

So what did I gain this week? I learned how important it is to be in touch with your emotions so that it is easier to course correct. It is also important to feel into the pain because it will eventually subside. Running away from the pain, or hiding from it, doesn’t work. It’s like a beach ball under water and eventually the emotions pop through the surface. This is what happened to me 3 ½ years ago when I finally faced my reality—caregiving and bouncing back financially from a mess that I created.

Maintaining a balance in your life is possible but as I said, it takes awareness and work. One simple question helps..”okay, what’s one thing I can do to feel a little better?” And your journey will continue with each new experience.

Yes, I know what that feels like because 3 years ago I found myself swirling around in a pool of massive pain. Or should I say I was STUCK in my story…I was only 55 and my Mom and sister had recently passed away, my husband was diagnosed with early-onset dementia, and the clincher…our retirement savings (aside from Dave’s reduced teacher’s pension) was lost in high-risk investments. Oh boy, did I have a story.

But one day I was riding my bike when I had a big ‘moment’… who am I without my story? Who am I if I don’t have my poor-me tale to hide behind–an excuse not to go out with friends, a reason for not laughing and having fun, and a reason to gain sympathy and attention from others. I started sobbing because it was scary thinking about being stripped of how I was defining myself.

Later that week while making dinner, I had a bigger ‘flash’; one that was the tipping point for releasing my pain. I realized for the first time that I’m not trapped in my role as a caregiver. I’m free to walk out the front door and have someone else take care of Dave. I am free to choose to stay stuck, or to move forward. My reality is that my husband has dementia and I’m starting over financially in my 50s. It isn’t how I expected life to be but unless I surrendered to the facts, then I wouldn’t be able to move forward and find answers to my challenges.

It’s very interesting looking backwards because how I got unstuck is similar to Iyanla’s advice on Oprah. She says there are 3 ways:

#1 Tell the truth—what do you want and what are you willing to do; and not willing to do?

Answer for me: I told the truth about my reality and I committed to taking baby steps (exercise, meditate, life coaching…) to help me live a better life. I wasn’t willing to settle for a life filled with sadness, and I wasn’t willing to wish this phase of my life over.

#2 Ask for what you want

Answer for me: I wanted more peace,  and the feeling of joy when I jump out of bed while being grounded in my reality.

#3 Have a vision

Answer for me: My vision is that more family caregivers will realize they have a choice and that it’s possible to live a rich, peaceful life despite your circumstances. Since I have discovered ways  to reclaim my life–better than before–I want to share and teach others how to live it themselves.

Please note: if you are a family caregiver and you are feeling ‘lost’ or depleted by your circumstances, I would love to help you out. It’s as simple as signing up for my Complimentary Strategy session in the box above. The beauty is…it’s your choice!

I went for a run along our country road and it was full of surprises. There is an abundance of wildlife in our area but it seemed more acute today. The list of birds is like opening the Audobon bird book. I saw a pair of western tanagers chasing each other, a group of cedar waxwings eating dogwood berries, juncos on the side of the road, yellow warblers in the bushes, and townsend solitaire with her young. There were brewer’s and red-wing blackbirds, male northern oriole feeding 2 of his youngsters (I’ve never seen a male bird feed their young), winter wrens singing their long song. Did you know that winter wrens are the smallest birds with the longest song. Eagles flying overhead teaching their young one how to fly and more bird sounds in the forest that I couldn’t identify.

I passed by a field of llamas munching on grass as their lower jaw slide sideways and then circle around. Snakes hiding in the tall grasses bordering the creek that flows gently along the side of the road. Even the horses were having a lazy day as they basked in the fields with the sun peeking in and out on this crisp summer day. A crisp 13 degrees Celsius–far below our typical 30 degrees.

It was a glorious run–no human-made sounds.

If I had decided to ride my bike instead of run I would have missed all of these sights and sounds. The pace would have been too fast and the wind rushing by my helmet would have blocked out many of these natural sounds.

Bike riding versus running/walking is a metaphor for my life: frenetic versus calm and peaceful.

Three years when I woke up to the reality of my husband’s dementia and stopped fighting it, I began to slow down enough to see the abundance that was all around me–life lessons in patience and surrendering to what is, healthy children, a beautiful home. Before then I was too busy to notice anything because I was ‘riding’ away from the pain of the losses and changes in my life.

Over the past few years it has been a conscious effort to slow down and really smell the roses. It is healthy and necessary for me to face my dark side (sadness and anger) as much as my light side. It’s all part of who I am and it’s part of loving all of me.

This past month has been crazy busy and I reached my upper emotional and mental limit 3 times. When I lose my balance I have physical reminders–a chest cold, eye infection or fatigue. Dr. Bruce Lipton, a biochemist, has proven that over 85% of our physical illnesses have an emotional root cause.  I guess it won’t surprise you that I am recovering from a cold and a cough.

So reading my note from July 21st is a wonderful reminder of how life feels when I take the time to slow down, bend over and really smell the roses. Time to get back to my morning meditations, saying no to projects that completely fill my schedule, and time to bring out the knitting needles and cross stitching to spend more time with my feet up enjoying the company of my husband.

Note: If you have an experience of reaching your upper limits and what you did to regain your balance I would love to hear from you.

These past few years have been a time of massive personal growth and uncovering the ‘real’ Holly. It isn’t an easy process but definitely worth the sweat and tears that come along with it. Living with a husband with dementia has taught me about unconditional love, patience, surrendering to what is, and living in the present moment. In addition, when our investments collapsed I had to search for a deep knowing or trust that I would feel happy again–despite my external circumstances.

This morning I was listening to a meditation about self-love in one of my energy/intuitive coaching courses. It seems that no matter how many times I practice or become aware of the need to love myself, I always learn a little bit more about how to do it. I’m finally understanding that if I’m to truly love someone without conditions, then I have live it myself. When I judge another person I am really finding something inside of me that I don’t like. For 57 years I have been looking for love outside of me when all this time, it has been inside.

Loving myself is far more difficult than I imagined. I didn’t realize how often I look in the mirror and pinch the extra soft tissue around my belly or upper hips. Or notice the abundance of wrinkles multiplying daily. How about the endless times that I beat myself up for the mistakes I made in investing our hard-earned money. How many more times do I have suffer? When will I truly surrender or accept what is and learn from it? When will I understand that I always do my best and that mistakes are fertile ground for learning. And in regards to my body image…how about learning to let go of my judgments and loving every bit of ME. Me–because I’m unique—just like YOU.

To help you on your path to loving yourself unconditionally, here is a shortened version of what I learned this morning. It helps if you are in a quiet area with your eyes closed or slightly opened and relaxed.

First of all think about someone you LOVE with all of your heart and soul. Take a second and find out where you feel this emotion in your body. For example, when I remember the moment our son or daughter was born, I feel a huge ball of love in my chest area. It feels so good to think about my family, pets, patients in my physiotherapy practice,  friends, and our home in the country.

Now I want you to focus on your heart or wherever you feel your love and turn up the volume on it. Turn it up as high as you want and feel it spread throughout your body. Then put your hand on your chest and say out loud…”I LOVE me” 3 times. Notice how you feel and whether it gets easier on the 3rd time. Turn up the volume knob again (without effort) and really feel the love you have for yourself. Then take a couple of ‘easy’ breaths and slowly open your eyes. Look around and notice how you feel and whether the room looks any brighter or sharper.

Like any new lesson, it takes ‘conscious’ practice before it becomes easier. To help you out over the next 21 days (that is how long it takes for a habit to form), I want you to look in the mirror every morning, and while looking into your eyes say…”I Love you, thank you for being so wonderful and for being you”.

Don’t forget…to give love you need to love yourself first.

This morning while riding my bike along our beautiful country road I had an AHA moment. As I was gliding over one of the cattle guards, I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I thought of how Dave must feel when he hops on his bike and rides into town to pick up 1 or 2 items. His bike is his new ticket to freedom. I wonder if this is one of the reasons why Dave isn’t complaining as much about not driving. Time has healed some of the pain, but I also believe that he has found his own little piece of freedom to fill the void.

ticket to freedom

There are times when living with the challenges and unpredictability of dementia feels suffocating. But it doesn’t take long to get a dose of  ‘oxygen’ and start breathing easier. It’s as simple as stepping outdoors.

How about you? What’s your ticket to freedom?

When was the last time you laughed until you cried? Can you remember how good you felt afterwards?

I was chatting with my friend, Sue, on the phone and she was complaining about her house being a mess, her business not doing as well as she expected, and that her life felt like a struggle. I reminded her of when we went snowshoeing last year and how much fun she had falling backwards into the deep snow and making snow angels. She laughed like a kid and called Emma, our youngest springer spaniel, a ‘silly goose’ when Emma would bury herself in 10 foot snow banks searching for rabbits. I was curious and asked Sue… what have you been doing lately for fun? Nothing. Well, you need to do something about that. We came up with a plan for her to take Friday afternoon off and spend time doing whatever she wanted. No cell phones, no computer, no thinking about work. The next day she emailed me with everything she had done for herself and was thrilled at how great she felt.

How can YOU put some fun and laughter into your life?

#1 Make time to have fun EVERY day:

If you aren’t feeling happy and good about your life, it is time to schedule some fun into it. Yes…schedule some time every day. You can choose to take a block of time or mini breaks. These are times when you don’t answer the cell phone, check emails or do any of those ‘should’ activities. Do something different—maybe even something that you haven’t done since you were a kid. It can be as simple as watching a funny video on YouTube (David after the dentist, Charlie Bit Me, or Mrs. Hughes) or walking to a dog park to watch the dogs wrestle and play with each other.

#2 Hang out with people who are fun to be around:

Think about the people who are in your world. Notice how you feel after spending time with them. I want you to give them a number between 1 and 10. If you feel more stressed, they would be closer to a 1 and would be considered ‘emotional vampires’. These are the people who deplete your precious energy. If you want to fill your energy tank, then make a habit of spending more time with friends and family who are above 8. They support & encourage you and make you laugh; you feel better after being with them.

Remember if you want to stay healthy and enjoy life, schedule 30 minutes of fun into every day. It is easy to do when you write out your daily schedule the night before. Also make a list of people you want to spend more time with and make a luncheon date with one of them…this week!

NOTE: if you haven’t signed up for my free newsletter, Dementia Hope Tips for Caregivers, click this link. Feel free to pass it along–Thanks!

According to several studies, 91-97% of what we worry about never comes to fruition. You can bet I have tested this theory many times and it has held true for me. I am learning to spend less energy worrying about something that ‘might’, but usually doesn’t, happen. For example, if Dave was late coming home from shopping, I would worry that he had a seizure while driving–that was before his license was taken away due to the complications of his frontotemporal dementia. When he arrived home safely, I would remind myself of the wasted energy, not to mention the negative impact on my health.

There are times when I get scared looking down the road at the dark clouds of our future (with dementia), but I have to remind myself that we aren’t there yet. Right now Dave is still physically able to do many things and I am going to keep treasuring the moments…just like our run this morning.

Last week we spent a few days on a beautiful fishing boat with great friends and gorgeous scenery. Dave was excited to be some place other than at home with his daily routine of exercising and working on his puzzles. But when he doesn’t get his 11 hours of sleep and a 1-2 hour nap (combined with adapting to a different environment) he withdraws into his own world. There was a moment when 7 of us were sitting around the table enjoying a delicious halibut dinner and I noticed our friends laughing & chatting. Then I looked at Dave, sitting at the head of the table wearing sunglasses and a ball cap, mechanically putting his fork to his mouth and oblivious to those around him. I noticed the contrast between Dave (and us as a couple) with our friends. I was reminded of the change in our relationship and for a few hours, I felt really sad inside. Instead of crying, I wrote in my journal and by the next morning, I was feeling better. I began to pay attention to the ‘magic moments’…catching my first deep sea fish, the crystal blue sky as the fog lifted, 3 humpback whales blowing and diving, and for the wonderful friends who accept Dave for who he is now. Not who he was a few years ago.

Every day has magic moments, even though they are hard to find sometimes. You can identify them when you see, hear or feel something that makes you laugh, feel good, tingle inside, or smile. When you take a few extra moments to appreciate those moments, I guarantee they will sustain you through the tough times when you are fed up and want to throw in the towel.

Dave’s halibut

For the past few days I have been busy getting ready (making lists, shopping, chores) for a big fishing trip up north with some friends. (I have never caught a fish and I am quite excited) Anyway, I noticed that my mind was starting to feel like it was in overdrive so I hopped on my mountain bike for a cruise along our country road. Within minutes I started noticing the crystal blue skies (all of the wildfire smoke has disappeared) against the green hills, the smell of fresh air, and the sounds of the birds flitting among the bushes lining the creek. The wind against my face and the feeling of gliding along on my bike was freedom. I was reminded of all of the things in my life that I am grateful for–living on a quiet country road among nature, our sweet animals, my health and Dave’s health–who has done very well since his diagnosis 3 1/2 years ago. It is amazing how great I feel when I quiet the chatter in my brain and surround myself with nature.

Stepping out of the commotion of ‘living with dementia’ is key to seeing the bigger picture of my life. Last year I was standing within a foot of a hummingbird feeder and there were 5 territorial male hummingbirds (3 calliopes & 2 rufous) fighting for a spot on the feeder. It was fascinating to be inside of their ‘organized chaos’ because they managed to buzz around me–without touching me or each other. What an incredible sight. It wasn’t until I stepped back out of their energy that I noticed how calm it was to be on the outside. My bike ride this morning was like stepping out of my chaotic mind chatter. I came back relaxed and rejuvenated. So…any time you feel yourself winding up, lace up your shoes and go for a walk, run, pick weeds or any activity that will get your body moving and in touch with nature. It is a win-win for everybody!

Anyway, I looked outside and saw a bit of smoke but knew we weren’t in immediate risk of evacuation. We chatted some more, I thanked her and then checked out the details on the internet. The wildfire was about 10 km away and they had plenty of firefighters and helicopters working on it, so I didn’t plan any further.

As you know sensational, bad news sells. In fact, we are bombarded by sad, violent or depressing news for 87% of our day. Not just from the paper and TV, but from other well-meaning friends and family. When I started news-fasting about 15 years ago I was concerned about keeping up with the current events and being able to contribute to an intelligent conversation. But bad news travels quickly.

I challenge you to not watch or read news for a week and notice how quickly the news gets back to you. Then it is your choice of finding out more details–or not.

I remember feeling sick as I watched the twin towers coming down on 911, and on boxing day in 2004, listening to people screaming as they hung onto tree branches during the tsunami in Thailand. I didn’t need to see that repeated every hour on the hour to be more informed. Once is enough.

I use this same philosophy for living with my husband’s dementia. I am fully aware of the pain and challenges of being a carer, but I choose to focus on what it great about my life. I like to use this analogy. When I am sitting in a room, I look around at all of the solid objects–chairs, table, lamps etc. Then I look at the space around those solid objects. The desk, table and lamps (which take up little room) are the aggravations and challenges of dementia; the ABUNDANT space represents what is great about my life..physically healthy husband, great family & friends, comfortable home and remembering I’m not the one dealing with a dying brain.

Let me know how you feel when you spend more time noticing the space instead of the solid objects. And whether you feel happier and more optimistic when you reduce your exposure to news that sells.